Read at Your Own Risk...

August 7, 2008

Uncle! Uncle! God I feel like I’m going to crack! This week has been a killer! Since 6 am Monday morning it has been nonstop! Uncle already! I admit I feel like we are being ground into dust. Maybe some grieving has set in or maybe I’m just exhausted, I wonder how much more we can take.

Trying to take care of Danni has completely consumed my world. My every thought is about Danni. How will we do this, how will we do that, I swear if someone writes in and says you just need to do this or that I will stop writing and shut the blog down! I’m so angry!

It really stinks to see your child who ought to be on her own living a full and exciting life struggling to get out of a bed or a chair! Horrendous! This is horrendous! Half her head is shaved, she has a zipper incision across her head, her skin is stretched so thin from gaining 60 plus pounds in six months that the doctor didn’t have anything to stitch together, she has another zipper incision with about 20 staples in it in the shape of a “c” on the side of her head, Why did the doctor need to use 20 staples? Didn’t she have enough traumas? Does he realize what that will be like when she has to have them out?

What else would you like to know? Oh ,the new shunt (from the “c” zipper) is snaked under her skin down her neck and chest into her abdomen so needless to say she is black and blue in her neck not to mention what she may look like further down, I can’t even bring myself to look! She has been poked and prodded and bruised and cut and rolled and had tubes sticking in her in various places she has to be bathed in bed by someone she doesn’t know. Every inch of her body is swollen beyond belief.

Now you know how she is…not good. She has stage four brain cancer. That’s how she is! I see other teenage girls living their lives working, going to college, dating etc. That’s hard too. I know God has a plan and a purpose but what’s the purpose? What’s the point? She isn’t the only one either; the hospitals are full to overflowing! Just call any hospital in whatever area you live and ask them!

People, if we aren’t in the last hours before Jesus comes I don’t want to know what they will be like. The world is so crazy, I go to restaurants and everyone acts as if nothing is wrong. There is infirmity all around us. In mind, soul, body and spirit people are infirmed just look around you! WAKE UP YOU SLEEPERS! No one wants to hear what I’m saying, no one wants to accept the facts, everyone would rather live in the “I’m okay, your okay, fantasy land.” People, we are NOT okay!

Danni’s only hope, my only hope, your only hope is Jesus. The very God that is allowing the affliction to come upon my family for his purpose is our only hope. Even that sounds crazy to me! Nothing is making sense! Have I lost my faith? I have to ask myself. Have I lost my faith?

NO! In this world there is nothing that satisfies, cars, homes, money, career, education, NOTHING! It’s all vanity, a chasing after the wind! When you die and you will, who will have those things you spent all your life to collect? Someone else! Vanity! Uselessness! A royal waste of time!

The only thing that remains, the only thing we take with us into eternity is Jesus or no Jesus. If the Bible is right, there is a better place after death, and I’ve lived a good life and I don’t go to hell. If the Bible is wrong, I’ve lived a good life and I go to my death in peace. It’s a win win situation. Let me assure you though, GOD IS REAL and the Bible is right! And… Jesus is coming and soon!

God holds me up, he sustains me, and he’s big enough to handle my questions, big enough to handle my fears and doubts. He cares for me and my family. Even in the midst of this terrible situation I testify to you today that much good has come to us! Much good has come to our community, salvation will come to our community, healing and wholeness will come to many! I speak things that are not as though they were! Just like my Father in heaven spoke and the earth came into being!

I live by faith! Healing will come to Danni! Faith will come to many! To all who receive him! God has NEVER let me down and he will continue to uphold me with HIS righteous right hand! He is my rear guard! He makes me to be above and not beneath, the head and not the tail! He is the Alpha and Omega! The beginning and the end and despite all that is going on around me he is the solid ground!

I will not fall, I will not falter, and I will not be defeated! He has caused me to be MORE than a conqueror! I shall not fear! I shall be victorious! My emotions and circumstances shall NOT rule over me! The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to preach good news! The oil of the Spirit fills my cup to overflowing! My boast is in the Lord of Host, he is my salvation! He makes me to be this way! He is the source! In Him is my hope! In Him is my victory! In Him is my being! He holds me together. I have the mind of Christ! He left his peace with me! Halleluiah! What can man do to me?

He holds eternity in his hand! I came from him as Jesus did and I will return to him as Jesus did! Jesus is in the Father and I am in Jesus and Jesus is in me, I have the Holy Spirit as a deposit guaranteeing what is to come! Woo Hoo!

God, I’m sorry I got mad at you today. Forgive me. I’m sorry I let what my eyes saw bring me down. I’m sorry that I forgot who I am in you and gave into my circumstances. Thank you for reminding me by your Holy Spirit in me who I am and the promises you hold for me until that day. Thank you for your promises that I have right now, thank you that I can come boldly before your throne and you hear me and comfort me.

Thank you for your huge shoulders that I can lean into, for your strong arms that embrace me just as I am. Thank you for the peace and joy that floods my soul and enables me to take just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more step.

You are an AWESOME GOD and I praise you! AMEN!

And then I cried and Jesus wept with me. He never left me.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cry on honey! We are behind you and Danni. I would not have had the strength that you have had. God is crying with you and so are your friends and family. This last entry does not seem real with Danni being in so much pain. Greg and I are with you and love you.
Greg and Cathy Strawser

Anonymous said...

We all love you and you can cry out anytime needed. We all are behind you and God is always with you. God Bless!

Anonymous said...

With tears in my eyes, I read your pain as I knew God could not only read but felt it. We all go through times in our lives where we question and get upset with the Lord but we know He is our Rock and only comfort comes from Him. Nothing we can say will fill you as His Spirt can. Abide in the secret place always. With much love and support in Christ because this is touching so many lives...our prayers are with you and Danni.

Anonymous said...

im praying for you and your family danni...god is good and he will get you through this. you will always be in my heart and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Danni has touched so many lives and definately changed many and my own. Money and material items are absoultely nothing. What we give is what we get. But, I have lost a son and I can tell you everyday is "a gift". Danni I don't know you well, but boy have I learned alot through your mothers blogs. I pray everyday for you. And, I can tell you God has a purpose and we may not understand what it is right now, but someday believers and non believers will get it. You can bet on it! Your stregth sure makes me and a whole lot of people re-think our lives. Some people touch one or two in a life time you have touched many. You are in my prayers your secret admirer.

Anonymous said...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.2Cor 12:9,10...Christ's perfect power! God,thank you in advance for the miracles in progress.

Anonymous said...

Christy, my mom has been diaginosed with metastitic bone cancer and they have found cancer in pelvic lymph glands which leads them to believe there is another type of primary cancer also, just did a biopsy to confirm that. All that to say thank you for being so honest in your pain. I read your blog every few days. You have given such strength, yet this one really helps because there are days I just don't think I'm strong enough to walk mom through this. You reminded me God understands our weakness, our anger, our grief and walks/carries us through it all. Thank you. I keep praying for you guys and so is our church.

Anonymous said...

"Courage is not the absence of fear-
it is the mastery of it....."

Our hearts and prayers continue to lift you up for our faithful Lord to carry you, Danni, and family thru this difficult and painful time.

You all have touch and made the difference in lives...thru all your pain...His good is being glorified.

caring & praying,
Sarasota friends

Liz Lehman said...

Christy, You are human, who wouldn't feel anger. How much can a Mother take seeing her child suffer like Danni is. You have great faith and heve helped me in many ways through your testimonies. Your words are uplifting, even when you express your anger. God is real and cares a lot. Yes, He will never let you down. I cried as I read your note this morning. It brought back memories when my Ervin was dieing. People behind our property were building a new house and my house was being broken by death, it felt like. My kids and I talked about it that we want the whole world to stop and grieve with us. I can understand what you are saying.
God continue holding you and your family.

jarp said...

CHRISTY, YOU HAVEN'T LOST YOUR MIND OR YOUR FAITH OR ANYTHING ELSE...YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF A VERY ILL CHILD AND YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SAD, HURT AND TIRED AND SO DOES DANNI. YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN AND YOU NEED TIME TO GRIEVE, YES GREIVE THE LOSE OF THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MEAN SO MUCH TO DANNI. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
A LOVING FRIEND ,JEAN

Rose Schwartz said...

A favorite saying that I keep in front of me...

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is to good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you can't see his plan,
when you can't trace his hand,
trust his heart.

Anonymous said...

Heart of a Lion - Like David you are... sayeth the Lord!!!

He is very proud of you both!!!