November 15, 2008
Sitting in her quiet room I can hear the machines humming in the background. It’s so hard to know what to do. She seems to be having more pain today. She’s confused easily and she is having a hard time catching her breath. Why wouldn’t she? She’s running a marathon called life. She’s straining hard with every breath. Her heart pounds harder with every step toward the goal.
She whispers encouragement to herself. “Okay, what do we do next?” “Stay calm, your job is to stay calm” “Okay, thank you” “Calm, calm, calm.”
She’s hot then the next minute she’s cold but her skin feels the same. Is she talking with God? We wonder amongst ourselves. Maybe this is going on, maybe that is going on…we run the scenarios over and over in our minds trying to comprehend where we are at and what is going on.
It’s consuming. Is she near the finish line? Will God intervene? How does all this fit into his plan? “I’m here beside you beloved,” he whispers to me. That still small voice says, “Trust me.” I think this is the hardest test I’ve ever faced. I am learning the true meaning of Psalms 46:10 painted in pretty teal paint on her wall. “Let be and be still and know that I am God,” it says to me. That is so hard, I think to myself.
In our fast pace society it is a real challenge to just sit and be still literally waiting on the Lord to move. I do trivial things; I watch TV or read my bible. I surf the net trying to find any kind of distraction but even the world wide web isn’t enough to take my mind off of act 1, take 1 of the drama unfolding before me.
This race is grueling. We all run together, we are all connected. When she suffers, we suffer. When she has joy, we have joy. The word just can’t be denied, it is true!
I don’t want to do anything but sit in her room and watch her. Will I think back on these days in days to come? What will be happening in a month from now, I wonder. Staying in the day, in the hour, in the minute, in the second is a huge discipline for me.
Everything we’re taught in the beginning of life we have to learn again at the end of life. The cycle of life runs full circle. We begin with someone taking care of us 24 hours a day and we come to the end of the cycle the same way. This life is a strange thing.
I used to take everything for granted, not so anymore. Going through these life altering situations forever changes your perspective on life. Little annoying things don’t seem to matter.
Things that were important fade to black and you wonder what you were thinking when those things held such a prominent place in your every day.
This is therapy for me. Writing helps to free my mind from the millions of thoughts swirling about in my head. Wondering is a heavy taskmaster… if only I could disconnect from it for the rest of this story and just live in the moment enjoying every second as opposed to trying to analyze everything.
My desire to control things runs deep and I am sure that this is an area that is lovingly being disciplined out of me by my doting Father. He watches over me constantly helping me at every turn.
The changes I see in Danni concern me and then I have to remind myself that this is God’s show and he is in charge. Not easily accepted by a control freak! But nevertheless, thy will and not mine. Man, isn’t there any other way this cup can pass? Thy will and not mine. The inner struggle wears me out.
Round and round I go through the cycle mentioned above…no wonder I’m exhausted. I’m a little slow; finally I turn to Jesus and say to him, “help me deal with this, help me run this race with Danni with the same perseverance and courage that she has so graciously displayed.” Jesus, I need your peace, peace that passes all understanding, peace that doesn’t fade, that can’t be taken away from me.
I snuggle my face into the folds of his robe and take a tassel from his garment in my hand running it through my fingers, waiting for his presence to comfort me.
He is faithful, he gathers me in his arms and I receive peace. Thank God for Jesus, he’s all I have and that is more than enough for me.
I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need thee, oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee. The old hymn runs through my mind like a river refreshing my soul. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. You never leave or forsake us. You’re just a cry away. My hope is secure in you.
November 15, 2008