Praises Along the Way--The Race and the Cycle.

November 15, 2008

Sitting in her quiet room I can hear the machines humming in the background. It’s so hard to know what to do. She seems to be having more pain today. She’s confused easily and she is having a hard time catching her breath. Why wouldn’t she? She’s running a marathon called life. She’s straining hard with every breath. Her heart pounds harder with every step toward the goal.

She whispers encouragement to herself. “Okay, what do we do next?” “Stay calm, your job is to stay calm” “Okay, thank you” “Calm, calm, calm.”

She’s hot then the next minute she’s cold but her skin feels the same. Is she talking with God? We wonder amongst ourselves. Maybe this is going on, maybe that is going on…we run the scenarios over and over in our minds trying to comprehend where we are at and what is going on.

It’s consuming. Is she near the finish line? Will God intervene? How does all this fit into his plan? “I’m here beside you beloved,” he whispers to me. That still small voice says, “Trust me.” I think this is the hardest test I’ve ever faced. I am learning the true meaning of Psalms 46:10 painted in pretty teal paint on her wall. “Let be and be still and know that I am God,” it says to me. That is so hard, I think to myself.

In our fast pace society it is a real challenge to just sit and be still literally waiting on the Lord to move. I do trivial things; I watch TV or read my bible. I surf the net trying to find any kind of distraction but even the world wide web isn’t enough to take my mind off of act 1, take 1 of the drama unfolding before me.

This race is grueling. We all run together, we are all connected. When she suffers, we suffer. When she has joy, we have joy. The word just can’t be denied, it is true!

I don’t want to do anything but sit in her room and watch her. Will I think back on these days in days to come? What will be happening in a month from now, I wonder. Staying in the day, in the hour, in the minute, in the second is a huge discipline for me.

Everything we’re taught in the beginning of life we have to learn again at the end of life. The cycle of life runs full circle. We begin with someone taking care of us 24 hours a day and we come to the end of the cycle the same way. This life is a strange thing.

I used to take everything for granted, not so anymore. Going through these life altering situations forever changes your perspective on life. Little annoying things don’t seem to matter.

Things that were important fade to black and you wonder what you were thinking when those things held such a prominent place in your every day.

This is therapy for me. Writing helps to free my mind from the millions of thoughts swirling about in my head. Wondering is a heavy taskmaster… if only I could disconnect from it for the rest of this story and just live in the moment enjoying every second as opposed to trying to analyze everything.

My desire to control things runs deep and I am sure that this is an area that is lovingly being disciplined out of me by my doting Father. He watches over me constantly helping me at every turn.

The changes I see in Danni concern me and then I have to remind myself that this is God’s show and he is in charge. Not easily accepted by a control freak! But nevertheless, thy will and not mine. Man, isn’t there any other way this cup can pass? Thy will and not mine. The inner struggle wears me out.

Round and round I go through the cycle mentioned above…no wonder I’m exhausted. I’m a little slow; finally I turn to Jesus and say to him, “help me deal with this, help me run this race with Danni with the same perseverance and courage that she has so graciously displayed.” Jesus, I need your peace, peace that passes all understanding, peace that doesn’t fade, that can’t be taken away from me.

I snuggle my face into the folds of his robe and take a tassel from his garment in my hand running it through my fingers, waiting for his presence to comfort me.

He is faithful, he gathers me in his arms and I receive peace. Thank God for Jesus, he’s all I have and that is more than enough for me.

I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need thee, oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee. The old hymn runs through my mind like a river refreshing my soul. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. You never leave or forsake us. You’re just a cry away. My hope is secure in you.


Anonymous said...

I cry for you tonight,praying too that this cup could pass from you, but knowing His will is so much more important than ours. Bless you Cristy and Danni. May His comfort and pease flow over you like a river. Wishing there was more I could do. Pray He reminds me... there is nothing more important than falling at the foot of his throne for you...So I do.

Anonymous said...

As always Danni and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! You are so amazing!

Anonymous said...

Christy & Danni:
We are truly blessed by your honesty and clarity that you bring to us. We pray and cry, and cry and pray for God's mercy that this cup could pass from you. We know His timing is perfect, but to we humans it seems an eternity. We thank God for the miracle of Danni and her life with us!! Amen !! We pray for Danni's comfort and for all of yours as well. Stay Strong sister and know you are lifted up daily, hourly and each minute. WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU.
Tell Grandma Cheryl and Pastor Jerry we love them too.
Your Friends,
Diane & Kala

Anonymous said...

In the beauty of this early morning snow, your thoughts are heart breaking. Moms all over send you our love and thoughts in this deep sadness you are enduring.

Lori Bieber said...

I can't say I understand what you are going threw.
I can say that your faith has helped alot of people get closer to God.
I can say that I pray for Danni and her whole family daily, and sometimes more than once a day.
I can say that I believe God is with her.
God Bless you all.

Susan said...

Dear Christy,
As a mom, your plight tears my heart; As a christian, your faith gives us all hope; as a person dealing with terminal cancer myself, your blog keeps me grounded. I have put you on my blog with my concerns that have been shared with my readers as well. Let go and let God! I pray for release and healing for all of the pain you, your family and Danni are living with.

Anonymous said...

The waiting is the hardest part...
God will come and heal Danni all in good time. He has his plan and will carry it out. We do not know why and when --- HE WILL BE...HE IS and ALWAYS WILL BE IN CONTROL! I pray for you and please know that you and your family are in our thoughts! Love Always...

Anonymous said...

Since the beginning of Danni's illness, so many months ago,I've been following the ups and downs, crying and praising along with you, understanding some of what you are going through since there have been some similar experiences in my life, one of which was very sudden and unexpected ~ that time I had wished it were different, not for him (he didn't need to suffer) so much as for myself, so I could prepare for whatever God had planned. You are sharing some very meaningful and blessed times with your daughter ~~~ prayers continue that Danni and her family be held very closely in the loving arms of Jesus throughout this journey.

Jillian said...

Hi christy.
I read your post right before going to church today. Our pastor used the scripture "Be still and know that I am God." He encouraged us to stop our busy lives and listen and let God move in our lives. The sermon today had so much more meaning for me after reading your post. What truth you share each time you write!!!
I wanted to share with you one of the songs we did this morning. I thought of you and Danni (and the rest of your family) the whole time we sang this.

You Are God:
You're closer than our troubles
More present than any danger
More grand than gold and silver
You are God, You are God

You're the joy of man's desire
You are Father, satisfier
We are stunned with wide-eyed wonder
You are God, You are God

You fill our hearts with love and faith
You fight for us, You make us brave
You are God, You are God.
You walk with us, You lead us on
Faith, hope and love wakes up with dawn
You are God, You are God

You can listen to it for free if you do a google search for "charlie hall you are God"
I think it would be an encouragement to you guys.
Praying for you...

doris said...

I wish I could write something to you as meaniful and elegantly as you write about your journey with Danni. I have been blessed by reading your journal, and remember a similar - but much shorter journey with my Dad.

Doris, a coworker with JJ

dawn said...

I wish there was something I could say or do to help, yet every word or deed seem so little. I am humbled...God is so big and we are so small...there is nothing we can do without Him giving us the ability. I used to pride myself on being so strong and I'm not even sure those are possible and moreso not what I desire. Oh how we need God. How amazing is God's ministry through your family!!!!! Love you and miss you! dawn

Anonymous said...

What an amazing God we have.

Thank you for allowing God
to pour His love in and through you
to touch so many other lives.

"God's voice thunders
in marvelous ways
He does great things
beyond our understanding" Job

sorry, can't find
the reference
but here's the verse
I pray tonight for you:

"A word was secretly brought to me,
my ears caught a whisper of it" Job 4:12

Is He whispering to you now, Danni?
Saying everything will be alright?
Is He whispering to you, too, Christi?
In the stillness of this time?

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name, Jesus
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Glorious Name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your Name

You are Precious in His Sight
Karen Unternahrer

Liz Lehman said...

Christy, I've been there and feel for you. It is a holy place where you are. God is so near.
Writing releases your thoughts and I thank you for sharing them with us. I believe you help a lot hurting people.I pray you stay healthy.
My love and prayers to you all.

Anonymous said...

Jesus is crying along with you too, Danni. He feels all of your infirmities and has suffered as you have. He understands what you are feeling. He is right beside you, Danni. Don't let go of His hand.

Anonymous said...

Christy, don't let go of His hand either. It is not over yet! God is still God and He cares for Danni more than we do.

Anonymous said...

Please be encouraged, reading The Bible, our love letter from God is never trivial. That is right where He wants you. You are right when you say He is where your strength comes from. He will carry you and every person in your family over this mountain and it will be smashed by Him and His glorious presence!!!! Praise God