March 2, 2009
Danni’s room is changing. After the funeral, her room was filled with flowers and the fragrance filled the house. It seemed that she had left us a gift and the smells were sweet to us. Then as time passed the flowers died and I removed them from her room.
Her colored pictures in frames and other memorabilia were placed here and there about the room and her closet was still full of her belongings and clothes…we had lovingly placed them there when she became ill.
For a while she saw this as a temporary solution to the problem but as time passed her thoughts changed and she realized that her dreams were not to be fulfilled. God had another path for her.
Then came the time for me to go through her clothes; I came to the realization that there was someone out there who needed them and that was Danni’s wishes. Her only thoughts about her things were that they should go to someone in need. I honored her wishes. Her closet is bare now.
I’m still finding things around the house, things that were hers…I had asked her one day how she wanted me to find the people in need and she said, “Have a garage sale and give the things away or sell the things and give the money to someone who needs it.” She had no attachment to material things anymore, she didn’t care about money.
Her life had come into focus and she could see eternity nearing…things didn’t matter anymore.
Danni’s room is currently a safe haven, a place to relax and reflect and a place for Jessi and Atlee to watch TV and spend time with her. Anytime I miss her and I want to be near her I go to her room and look at her pictures and touch her things that I haven’t been able to part with yet. I know she’s not here but somehow God brings comfort to me.
Jesus lovingly, gently, caringly takes our family from day to day faithfully bearing our burdens and moving us beyond our sorrows into peace and joy. He reminds me that life is short and soon we’ll be with her again only this time things will be so much better.
It’s time for her room to change again. We are changing the carpet. I want the reminder of sickness and death removed from the room and I feel like it is time to cleanse. I don’t know how to describe my feelings about this and it seems insignificant unless you’ve been through it. It’s just time.
Little by little I let go of her and look forward to our meeting in a different place, time and atmosphere. It is amazing to me to see how things change and time goes on. I’m so aware that I am but a vapor, a mist even to the point where spending money on carpet seems silly but in some strange way I think it will help move us ahead.
There are days when I forget that time is short and life crowds in on me but I have only to see her room and God brings perspective. I’m grateful for that…it is a gift from him. He so patient with me, he’s so loving and kind. I wish those who reject him could but taste of his love and kindness. I wish they would allow themselves just one vulnerable moment standing before him.
I know how the weight of this world melts away in his presence. We carry so many things that are unnecessary. Proverbs 23:26 says, “My son, give me your heart; let your eyes observe my ways.”
God is calling to you today and every day…time is short just ask Danni.
I’m not sure what the future holds for Danni’s room except that more of her wishes will be fulfilled. Her red chair that was given as a gift to her will be given to her dad to grace the room where her sister and stepsister spend their time “chilling out”.
Life is moving on and I’m learning to live every day as if it were my last. I want to make a difference; I want to be all God has for me to be. I want to fulfill my purpose in the earth as Danni did…I don’t want to waste this life or wake up some day and find that life has passed me by because I was unwilling to yield to God’s ways.
I want to learn everything I can and fulfill whatever destiny God has for me. I am determined not to kick and scream when God wants to bring change into my life. God help me.
God help me trust in your good nature, there is no bad in you; you are good all the time. Let the rooms of my heart be filled with your love and kindness. Clear out the unnecessary things I’ve been holding onto…
…cleanse the rooms of my heart of sickness and death and heal me. Make me to be all you have for me. I trust in your unchanging character for you are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are my strength and my song. Amen.
March 2, 2009