Read at Your Own Risk...

August 7, 2008

Uncle! Uncle! God I feel like I’m going to crack! This week has been a killer! Since 6 am Monday morning it has been nonstop! Uncle already! I admit I feel like we are being ground into dust. Maybe some grieving has set in or maybe I’m just exhausted, I wonder how much more we can take.

Trying to take care of Danni has completely consumed my world. My every thought is about Danni. How will we do this, how will we do that, I swear if someone writes in and says you just need to do this or that I will stop writing and shut the blog down! I’m so angry!

It really stinks to see your child who ought to be on her own living a full and exciting life struggling to get out of a bed or a chair! Horrendous! This is horrendous! Half her head is shaved, she has a zipper incision across her head, her skin is stretched so thin from gaining 60 plus pounds in six months that the doctor didn’t have anything to stitch together, she has another zipper incision with about 20 staples in it in the shape of a “c” on the side of her head, Why did the doctor need to use 20 staples? Didn’t she have enough traumas? Does he realize what that will be like when she has to have them out?

What else would you like to know? Oh ,the new shunt (from the “c” zipper) is snaked under her skin down her neck and chest into her abdomen so needless to say she is black and blue in her neck not to mention what she may look like further down, I can’t even bring myself to look! She has been poked and prodded and bruised and cut and rolled and had tubes sticking in her in various places she has to be bathed in bed by someone she doesn’t know. Every inch of her body is swollen beyond belief.

Now you know how she is…not good. She has stage four brain cancer. That’s how she is! I see other teenage girls living their lives working, going to college, dating etc. That’s hard too. I know God has a plan and a purpose but what’s the purpose? What’s the point? She isn’t the only one either; the hospitals are full to overflowing! Just call any hospital in whatever area you live and ask them!

People, if we aren’t in the last hours before Jesus comes I don’t want to know what they will be like. The world is so crazy, I go to restaurants and everyone acts as if nothing is wrong. There is infirmity all around us. In mind, soul, body and spirit people are infirmed just look around you! WAKE UP YOU SLEEPERS! No one wants to hear what I’m saying, no one wants to accept the facts, everyone would rather live in the “I’m okay, your okay, fantasy land.” People, we are NOT okay!

Danni’s only hope, my only hope, your only hope is Jesus. The very God that is allowing the affliction to come upon my family for his purpose is our only hope. Even that sounds crazy to me! Nothing is making sense! Have I lost my faith? I have to ask myself. Have I lost my faith?

NO! In this world there is nothing that satisfies, cars, homes, money, career, education, NOTHING! It’s all vanity, a chasing after the wind! When you die and you will, who will have those things you spent all your life to collect? Someone else! Vanity! Uselessness! A royal waste of time!

The only thing that remains, the only thing we take with us into eternity is Jesus or no Jesus. If the Bible is right, there is a better place after death, and I’ve lived a good life and I don’t go to hell. If the Bible is wrong, I’ve lived a good life and I go to my death in peace. It’s a win win situation. Let me assure you though, GOD IS REAL and the Bible is right! And… Jesus is coming and soon!

God holds me up, he sustains me, and he’s big enough to handle my questions, big enough to handle my fears and doubts. He cares for me and my family. Even in the midst of this terrible situation I testify to you today that much good has come to us! Much good has come to our community, salvation will come to our community, healing and wholeness will come to many! I speak things that are not as though they were! Just like my Father in heaven spoke and the earth came into being!

I live by faith! Healing will come to Danni! Faith will come to many! To all who receive him! God has NEVER let me down and he will continue to uphold me with HIS righteous right hand! He is my rear guard! He makes me to be above and not beneath, the head and not the tail! He is the Alpha and Omega! The beginning and the end and despite all that is going on around me he is the solid ground!

I will not fall, I will not falter, and I will not be defeated! He has caused me to be MORE than a conqueror! I shall not fear! I shall be victorious! My emotions and circumstances shall NOT rule over me! The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to preach good news! The oil of the Spirit fills my cup to overflowing! My boast is in the Lord of Host, he is my salvation! He makes me to be this way! He is the source! In Him is my hope! In Him is my victory! In Him is my being! He holds me together. I have the mind of Christ! He left his peace with me! Halleluiah! What can man do to me?

He holds eternity in his hand! I came from him as Jesus did and I will return to him as Jesus did! Jesus is in the Father and I am in Jesus and Jesus is in me, I have the Holy Spirit as a deposit guaranteeing what is to come! Woo Hoo!

God, I’m sorry I got mad at you today. Forgive me. I’m sorry I let what my eyes saw bring me down. I’m sorry that I forgot who I am in you and gave into my circumstances. Thank you for reminding me by your Holy Spirit in me who I am and the promises you hold for me until that day. Thank you for your promises that I have right now, thank you that I can come boldly before your throne and you hear me and comfort me.

Thank you for your huge shoulders that I can lean into, for your strong arms that embrace me just as I am. Thank you for the peace and joy that floods my soul and enables me to take just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more step.

You are an AWESOME GOD and I praise you! AMEN!

And then I cried and Jesus wept with me. He never left me.