April 11, 2008, Praises Along the Way- In the Thick of it.

Standing at the foot of her bed, I saw her for the first time fresh from her fourth surgery in two months. Tubes and wires everywhere, blood on her pillow, her head wrapped up tight in a big white turban of bandages. Holding my breath at every move, she scratches her nose, she coughs a bit, "God, you're killing me," I think to myself.

I've seen her like this before but not for the fourth time. I wonder how much her body can take. What plans do you have for her, God? How will you use her? Whose life will be changed because of hers? I think about all this kid has been through in the last few years and I wonder what does it all mean?

I have to believe that God has a purpose greater than I can see or all this is pointless. I have to trust that God is in control and that he knows what he is doing. I have to live by faith and not by sight or what good are my beliefs? Here is where what's in my heart meets the reality of life. If I give into total fear and despair, I've wasted my entire adult life believing in something that isn't real.

Do I believe or not? Do I trust or not? I think God brings every child of his to this point over and over in varying degrees, refining and skimming, then refining our beliefs again. If I'm not going to believe God and his word now, what's the point? Don't get me wrong, I believe him, I trust him, I do.

But so many of us believers go to church every Sunday, hearing the word of God, saying amen to the messages only to go home and never use what we've just said "amen" to the hour before. Myself included!

It's not that I am someone special or extraordinary, please hear me. I just choose to believe God and his word. Just think how we could change this world if we all did that! Think of the souls that would be saved! If we just lived our lives believing what God's word says is true. I don't always get it right. Even as I write this I am challenged to just believe God more and live his word.

I also know that if I do fear or fret I haven't lost my salvation, I am human. But there is a whole other level that we as Christians could live on. A deeper one of passion and true meaning, there is reality!

Lord, lead me deeper, give me more passion for you. I pray this with fear and trembling knowing that this kind of walk only comes from pain but I can't stay here and I can't go back to the old life so lead me on. I know you will be there with me every step of the way and you have put this desire in me because my sinful heart isn't capable of this or any kind of prayer so I come into agreement with you. Help me Jesus AMEN.